I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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