I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
