Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
