i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
