Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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