i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize