Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
