God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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