Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He kissed a someone with a penis
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
