I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
