Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
