I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i came on her dog
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
