the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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