kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
