I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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