So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize