I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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