I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My balls are so social today.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
