i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
