3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why didn't you poke me back
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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