Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize