My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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