i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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