you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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