Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
