can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
