Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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