You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
