If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
