i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
