i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
