I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
