There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
