I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
