Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
