this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
