Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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