3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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