final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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