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I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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