so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
