im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
