I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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