I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
