Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
