If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
where am i from again
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you had me at cake vodka
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
