i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize