he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
