Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
