Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
