can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
