Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
