Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
