i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize