my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
