I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
