Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
