So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
