its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
